Hippo

Most of my family either is, or has been, overweight. Some of my earliest memories are of my mother and grandmother at their TOPS (Take Off Pounds Sensibly) meetings. TOPS has no official diets or weight loss plans (or at least they didn't when I was young-- they might have now), but are basically a self-help group. Mom, not being able to afford a babysitter, would drag Joe and me along with her for the meetings. The rules were simple-- we could each bring one small toy, no fighting, and don't speak unless we were spoken to. We were also expected to be respectful (quiet) during the meetings' opening ceremonies. These consisted of 20 fat women taking off their shoes, coats, watches, rings, necklaces, and bobby pins, weighing in, and all standing up to recite the official TOPS pledge. At this point, they would go around the room, introducing themselves and saying they had a weight problem. AA for fat people.

The meetings were (and probably still are) held in a small building at the city park, known as the cottage. The cottage is basically a 2 room shack with adjoining bathroom, and copious amounts of folding chairs. There is nothing whatsoever interesting about this building, particularly when you are a little girl, and stuck inside for an hour with a bunch of fat old ladies. (Most of those old ladies had to be in their 30's and 40's.) Once the opening ceremonies were complete, Joe and I were free to play with our one toy each. Intelligent children don't last very long with only one toy, and the meetings were extremely boring for me. Worse yet was the social hour after the meeting, when each and every woman would pinch my cheek, say how cute I was, and announce that one of these days, I'd be a full-fledged member.

My parents were very poor, which meant that Joe and I never had pocket-money. We couldn't go down to the ice cream parlor and get a soda, or buy a candy bar, or anything like that. Nor did Mom buy much in the way of sweets for us. When you can barely afford staples, buying a bag of cookies that will disappear in a matter of minutes is a needlest waste of money. Humans tend to crave anything that is denied them, and that is how I was (and still am) with sweets. I can't tell you how many pieces of candy I stole as a kid. I knew it was wrong, but I had to have that candy. I simply couldn't help myself. Any money I got, I spent on candy (at that same drugstore). Birthday money, Christmas money-- all of it. The candy wouldn't even last the 5 block walk home. I'd almost literally inhale it. The same held true with the Twinkie in my lunch box. It lasted until I turned the first corner, and Mom could no longer see me. I would open the lunch box right on the street, and eat the Twinkie, then continue on to school.

By the time I was in high school, I had a serious weight problem. I decided to lose it. I joined a women's health club/gym, and started dieting and exercising. Over the next 6 months or so, I went from 197 pounds to 165, which is only 15 pounds over what I should weigh as an adult. I channelled my obsession with food, and turned it into an obsession with exercise. If Mom was 5 minutes late getting home from work (to take me to the gym), I would have a conniption. I would actually scream at her if she called to tell me she was running late. At the gym, in the aerobics area, was a wall-to-wall mirror, which ended a foot or so above the floor. When I lay on the carpet, my breasts and stomach were visible in the mirror. I became obsessed with the idea that I wouldn't be thin enough until my entire body was hidden from view. To achieve this end, I stopped eating breakfast and lunch, and would eat only a small dinner. I went to bed hungry every night. When I could no longer resists sweets, I would binge and purge, then feel guilty for days.

I grew up listening to soft rock music. One of my favorite groups was The Carpenters. Karen Carpenter, the lead singer, died of anorexia nervosa. The scariest thing is that she died when she was psychologically on the road to recovery. Had her body been able to hold out a bit longer, she would probably have lived and been healthy. She had abused her body for too long, and her heart muscles gave out.

Having entered my fundamentalist Christian stage, I started listening to the music of Pat Boone. His oldest daughter, Cherry, also suffered from anorexia. She, however, survived. She wrote a book about her struggle, which was put into the Reader's Digest, where I read it.

Knowing what was wrong with me, and what would happen if things continued, gave me the ability to eat again. Afraid of starting the cycle of anorexia over, I stopped going to the gym, and left things be. Unfortunately, after a short time, I began once more to overeat.

When I entered college, I did not gain the "college 15", but rather the "college 30". For the first time, I was free of the strictures of my parents, and had the money to spend on junk food. And I spent it. Every cent I had went to candy bars, chips, hamburgers.... I came home from college heavier than I'd ever been.

Throughout my adult life, I have steadily gained weight. I can eat an entire pizza at one sitting. I can eat a supersized value meal, and still be hungry. I can eat an entire fried chicken, complete with the fixings for a family of four. I can eat a quarter gallon of ice cream, after any of the above. By July of last year, I weight approximately 400 pounds.

I was in a most serious situation. I could no longer walk an entire block without having to stop and rest. I had extreme back and knee problems, and could not stand up for more than a minute. My work performance was extremely poor, and I was unable to bathe properly. I couldn't wipe myself after toileting, and I certainly couldn't use a tampon, although, having not had a period in 4 years, I was unlikely to need one. My feet and legs were swollen, and I could not go barefoot. I was unable to go more than 2 (waking) hours without eating, as I would become nauseous. I suffered chest pains, which I was (and still am) sure were the precursors to a heart attack. I had to do something, and fast, or I would be dead before the year was out.

It was too damn late. I couldn't exercise. I couldn't even walk! I decided my only option was surgery-- if my stomach was smaller, I would be able to eat less, and thus lose enough weight that exercise would become an option. I broached the subject with my mom (who's a nurse). She told me that very often such operations go wrong, when the person is unable to stop eating large amounts of food, and pop the staples. She was seriously concerned about such a procedure, and refused to loan me the money to make it happen.

Seeing that I was serious, she offered me a possible solution: Weight Watchers. For those of you who may not know, Weight Watchers operates on a point system, based on the person's weight. I'm not sure the exact figures, but a foods' point count is measured through fiber, calorie, and fat quantities. When you join, you are given a paper slide rule that enables you to find the point value of any given food in a matter of seconds. As I weighed more than their "official high", I had the highest number of points-- 35. WW strongly encourages their members to eat the entire number of points a day, as starving slows down the body's metabolism. As an added bonus, each person, no matter what their weight, is given an extra 35 points a week (as opposed to daily), to use or not use however they see fit.

The thing about the point system is that NO food is taboo. If you HAVE to eat that pizza, or that triple mocha sundae, you add up the points, and subtract it from your daily or weekly total. Knowing you are allowed to eat these things makes it far easier to say no to them, and gives you the control necessary to choose healthier foods.

Mom and I had the discussion the day after WW's weekly meeting. We went to the grocery store, and replaced my frozen pizzas with pizza-flavored lean pockets, my ice cream with sherbet (and later, no-sugar-added ice cream), my candy bars with cereal bars, my chips with low-fat crackers. Unofficially, I was on the diet for 6 days before I weighed in for the first time, which is why I don't know exactly my starting weight. But after a week of dieting, I weighed 393 pounds. I sat through that first meeting, thinking how stupid it was, how it was never going to work. I was angry with my mom for denying me the surgery, and I saw no hope whatsoever. Having little choice, I continued on the plan, to the best of my ability.

During that week, I lost 4 pounds. Suddenly, I believed. WW could work, if I applied myself. Maybe it WASN'T too late. I went on with the diet, this time without the bad attitude, and continued to lose weight.

Since last July, I have lost a total of 31 pounds. I can walk without having to stop and rest. I can ride my bike. I can stand up for ten minutes or more. I have more energy. My back and knee pains have stopped. I can go longer than 2 hours without eating, and eat much closer to normal portions. My feet no longer swell as badly, and I sleep better. I'm able to hold my urine for longer, and wipe myself when I've finished. I'm able to bathe properly.

At first, the weight just melted off. My metabolism is slowing down a bit now, and soon I'll have to cut some of my daily points. The last month or so has been a bit of a struggle. I find myself craving the foods I once ate, and missing them. However, whenever I feel I can't continue, I get up and walk around the house-- something that a short time ago I could not have done without stopping to rest. And I know that this time, I CAN do it, and in a healthy manner. For the first time in my life, I am in control, and not the food. And I WILL succeed.