Meow Mix

Some friends have suggested I write about my cats. I can't imagine why I should-- it's not like they do anything. Of course, I view them from a human perspective. Perhaps they see things differently. Miles, the eldest, would like to contribute to the blog, on behalf of all the cats. I will, of course, translate to English, for those of you who don't speak cat.

I've never written anything before. In fact, I've never even read anything before, although I do occasionally like to eat a good book. Well, at least, I like to chew on the corners. Library books are my favorite-- they have that certain taste to them I enjoy very much. For some reason, it upsets Mom when I chew on them. She hollers at me, and makes me run under the couch. I don't like it under there-- I'm far too big to sleep under the couch.

Mom is very good about giving us plenty to eat. I'm a big fan of carbohydrates. Popcorn, chips, bread, cereal... it's all good. I think chips are my favorite. Mom buys chips in bags, which are nice and convenient for hungry cats to open. I help myself every time she goes out. The best part is licking the salt off my paw, of course. Sometimes I'm nice, and share the chips with Zeke. He doesn't actually eat them, he just bats them around the room. Silly kitten, wasting good chips like that!

You know, it's sheer hell, living with a kitten. I'll be lying there, enjoying my nap, and BOOM! that bratty kit is attacking my tail. He has claws, too, and uses them. Stupid kit has no respect for his elders. Well, I HAVE to chase him-- what else can I do? Then Mom (unfairly, I might add) accuses me of thinking I'm still a kitten. Can you believe her? She just doesn't understand. (sigh)

Corie doesn't understand, either. She's my little sister. She's one of those long-haired cats (insert eye-roll and tail-twitch here). Long-haired cats are a strange bunch-- they are obsessed with their looks, just like human females. Corie thinks it's her job to sit on the furniture and make it look pretty. Mom calls her a decorative cat. Have you ever heard anything so un-feline in your life? I like it when Corie sits on the entertainment center, though-- Mom yells at her to get off it, and chases CORIE under the couch. That, of course, means I can sleep on the monitor without getting caught :D

Let me tell you about a typical day in the life of a housecat. I'll start with the evening, as that's when we get up.

Mom's alarm goes off at quarter of ten, which means I need to get the heck off her damn leg so she can stumble out of bed. Of course, sometimes I don't FEEL like getting up yet. Mom's leg is very comfy, you know. Can you believe Mom actually kicks me off? She even pushes Zeke off her, and he's her favorite. Grumbling and growling, we reluctantly get up so Mom can stumble into the bathroom. We aren't allowed in the bathroom with her. For some reason, she doesn't want us drinking out of the porcelain water dish. It's very annoying, as that dish holds much more water than the pathetic one we're allowed to drink from. But then, who can understand humans?

While Mom is getting ready for work, Corie and I help by sleeping on her work clothes so they don't go hang themselves back in her closet. Zeke crawls in her lunchbox so it doesn't walk away. We love Mom, and try to help her as much as we can.

Once she's ready for work, Mom walks by our food dish, IGNORING the fact that it's only half full and that we could starve to death before she returns. Sometimes, she is so mean! We meow as pathetically as we can, and still she doesn't fill it. Everybody knows that the bottom half of the bowl is poisonous, and food placed in it will kill an innocent cat. We HAVE to have it full to the brim.

Instead of taking care of us, as she's supposed to do, Mom sits down at the stupid computer for an hour, completely ignoring us. I've got her number, though. I sit on the computer chair behind her back. She can't ignore me then :D

After Mom goes off to work, the next 10 and a half hours belong to us. Mostly, we do all the things Mom thinks we shouldn't. We get on the furniture, eat chips (I learned how to open the cabinet with my paw-- aren't I the smartest cat?), and generally entertain ourselves. When I get tired, I jump up on the monitor, because it's nice and warm there. Corie climbs up on the video shelf. It's a small shelf, and she has to knock the videos out of the way so she can sleep there. Zeke curls up on Mom's favorite stuffed bear. He likes the snuggly feeling. For some reason, Mom doesn't like his hair on it, though. It's not like the bear doesn't have fur of its own, after all! Humans are so unreasonable.

Nine thirty in the morning-- Mom's due home soon. We all get up from where we were sleeping, so she doesn't know we were there (humans are dumb that way), and go to the door to wait for her. Now she will feed and water us, after we suffered all night long. Then she goes back to the damn computer. We all jump up on the desk to snuggle Mom, and let her know how much we missed her food. I lie back in the chair behind her, and Corie curls up in the cat tree behind us. Zeke tries to climb up and snuggle Mom's chest (and sometimes, he gets away with it-- human's pet!).

When Mom gets hungry, she goes into the kitchen to make lunch. I lie on the back of her chair, because she likes to share. Corie curls up at her feet, and Zeke sits in her lap. The annoying thing is, sometimes Mom gets up before she's done, and makes us all scatter. Just because that box on the counter beeps at her, or because she has to run to the porcelain water bowl. Humans really get my goat sometimes.

After lunch, Mom relaxes with a movie, which means we all snuggle on the couch and steal chips. I love to stand on Mom's chest so she can't see the TV. I AM far more important, after all. We all giggle when Mom can't find the video she wants, because Corie knocked it down to sleep on the shelf. We can't let Mom know we're giggling, of course, so we cover it by washing ourselves. Zeke is excellent at butt-washing in front of Mom's nose. For some reason, she always makes him get down.

Another round at the computer, and it's time for bed. Zeke ALWAYS gets the good spot by Mom's neck. It's not fair! I have to sleep on her legs, and she wiggles too much! Corie avoids the situation by sleeping on the edge of the mattress, on the pillows. I don't like the pillows much. They're too soft for my old bones. It takes a young cat to sleep there.

We nap with Mom for awhile, then we go off to hunt. There's nothing better in the world than a nice, loud hunt when your human is trying to sleep-- especially when we land on her face. She makes a most interesting noise. She jumps out of bed, and tries to find us. We love playing hide-and-seek with her. I make the game more fun by strewing litter across the floor for Mom to slip on. It's not MY fault she can't see in the dark. After Mom hollers at us awhile, she goes to the porcelain drinking bowl again, and we all sneak in with her. Corie and Zeke play tag with the shower curtain, and I taste all of Mom's toes, just to see if they taste different from last time. Then we all go back to bed, until the alarm goes off, and our night begins once more.

This is Hannah again. I hope you enjoyed Miles' story. I have edited only so far as translation requires. The content has been kept as close to the original as possible. Thank you and good night.