Bedroom Miseries

Last year I bought a new mattress and boxspring set. It's the most comfortable I've ever had, and I love sleeping on it, unless there is chatting or other computing to be done. In celebration of the new bed, I also bought a new comforter package. For those of you who may be unfamiliar with American packaging, it comes with a comforter, 2 matching shams, and a matching bedruffle(dustskirt). With some of the more expensive packages, you also get a matching sheet set, complete with pillowcases.

Unfortunately, I didn't have much money left over after the bed, and the comforter set I bought off of Ebay wasn't of the highest quality. This poses several problems. First of all, the shams will never be able to go in the washing machine, as I am afraid they will fall apart. The last thing I need is for little pieces of sham to get caught in the wringer. I wouldn't particularly enjoy trying to explain to my landlord (my father) that the bedding broke the washer. He tends to look upon women as inept anyway, and I wouldn't want to give him more ammunition.

Now for the comforter. It's very long, reaching to the floor at the foot of the bed, and quite thick. For some reason, it barely covers the mattress on the sides, which means that the sheets must be tucked in snugly so they don't show. My comforter doesn't actually fit in the washer. Every few months I take it to the laundry in town, which is a most interesting place. Being in a very small town, there are a total of 4 washers (only 1 of which is oversized) and 2 dryers. For some reason, industrial dryers never work as well or as quickly as industrial washers, which means that there is always a line for the dryers. The laundry has thoughtfully provided several amenities for those waiting on dryers, including an overpriced soda machine, 2 chairs and a television that gets nothing but ESPN.

An interesting side-effect to the drying problem is that the would-be dryees, desperate for human contact after hours of waiting, tend to form transient relationships with each other. They discuss washing methods, different soap products, even ironing. They never, however, speak of anything personal, as laundry users are a migratory animal, and the actual faces change day-to-day. Never does a dryee reveal his (or more commonly, her) name, occupation, religion... anything of importance, for next week she will be in line with entirely different people. Being an argumentative race, humans are capable of serious passion at the drop of a laundry basket, and occasionally the Cheer vs. Tide debate gets quite heated. In the end, though, a dryer frees up, the laundry is folded and put in the car, and the relationship ends.

I have one question about the laundry process, if anyone is willing to take a go at it: why is every child in a laundry dirty, barefoot, and noisy?

Now that the comforter is clean, it's time to make the bed. Having, as you may remember, a cheap bedding set, the dust ruffle ripped the first time I tried to place it over the box springs. I substituted an old blanket of the appropriate color, and it works well-- except for one thing. The blanket is made out of a synthetic that is very slippery. Every time I get out of bed, every time I sit on the bed, even every time the cats jump up, the mattress shifts. As I am a bit on the lazy side, I tend to leave the mattress be, until it's shifted enough that it dumps me on the floor if I roll over. Generally, there is a good 6-inch gap between the edge of the mattress and the edge of the boxsprings.

Miles, my eldest cat, quite likes the gap, as he can curl up on the boxspring side, and be protected from the fan I use when I sleep. My middle cat often gets dumped, as she tends to lay on the other side of the mattress. This pisses her off to no end. A pissed-off cat is NOT something to be trifled with. Corie stands up, with that expression only cats can do-- that of "of COURSE I meant to fall down, you ridiculous human". She then turns to the evil mattress and hisses at it. When she feels the mattress has learned its lesson, she jumps back up (from the other side of the bed, as the boxspring makes a handy step), which pushes the mattress still further away. She then lies down in exactly the same spot, only to be dumped again. Eventually, she decides she meant to sleep on the floor anyway, and dares me to laugh at her.

Along with the gap comes another interesting problem-- as the mattress shifts, so does the blanket/dustruffle underneath it. Generally, the top of the blanket is halfway down the bed, and the excess hangs down from the foot, to be tripped over by unsuspecting humans. I can't fix the blanket, however, as the kitten is enthralled with his under-the-bed hideout, and will promptly pull the blanket back out with his claws. He is then ready to play his favorite game-- grab the human's ankle. He particularly enjoys this game when the human in question is stumbling, half-asleep, to the bathroom. And as I frantically try to stem the bleeding with toilet paper, Zeke washes himself nearby in order to laugh at me.

I am going to sue ebay for false advertising. The picture of the comforter set shows a nice, well-made bed, with all of the pieces where they belong. Neither does it show a beruffled cat forced to sleep on the floor, nor a bleeding human adorned with scraps of toilet paper. Ebay must learn to be more careful about their ads.