The Dangers of Smoking

Smoking is quite definitely dangerous. I learned this the other night at work.

The building is set up like a large house, with a porch in front, and a patio in back. We are allowed to smoke on the patio, but not the front porch. The porch is covered, and I'm alone at night, so when it rains, I generally smoke there anyway.

The powers that be have recently been threatening to come check up on the midnight shifts, to make sure we're doing our job properly. The other night, about 2 am, I was sitting on the front porch, smoking, when a car pulled into the driveway. I immediately panicked, put the cigarette out in the planter next to the bench, and went inside to look busy. Luckily for me, it was merely the paperboy, so I went back out to finish my cigarette.

About an hour later, I started getting sleepy, so I went out to have another cigarette. Imagine, if you will, my utter terror at seeing the planter, smoking away merrily (and quite literally). Half of the thing had melted, and the clouds of smoke were quite beautiful. My first thought was NOT "oh no, the house is going to burn down." My first thought was, "they're going to find out I was smoking in the front." At this job, people have been fired for less.

As the house seemed to not be in immediate danger, I calmly went to the kitchen, filled a pitcher with water, and dumped it on the planter. I didn't expect to get more steam than Mark Twain's boat. I repeated the process about ten times. Finally, the pot stopped bursting back into flame, and I was able to carry it to the dumpster. Once there, I decided it would be best to water the thing some more, just to be safe, before I put it in a dumpster full of flammables. I put a few more pitchers of water over it, and let it sit out in the rain.

Now I had to deal with the porch. Dirty water was all over it. I grabbed the mop, and cleaned up. I have never mopped a porch before. It's an interesting experience.

Plastic, when heated, melts. There were quite a few pieces of melted plastic attempting to permanently adhere to the concrete. I chipped them off with a fingernail, and tossed them in the dumpster.

As the planter had not smoked for a good half hour, I was ready to throw it away, also. First, I smeared some of the dirt on my knee and my shirt. My cover story was that I had tripped over the planter, and put a hole in it with my knee.

Throughout the rest of the night, I kept checking the dumpster, to make sure IT hadn't taken up the addicting habit of smoking, but I was lucky there.

The morning crew came in at 6, by which time I was reasonably sure I wasn't going to get fired. When the trashmen came to empty the dumpster at 7, I was the happiest person in the world.

Other than some teasing about my clumsiness, and a stained shirt, I have suffered no repercussions from trying to set my place of work on fire. However, I feel it necessary to warn everyone out there: do NOT let your planters smoke. It WILL kill them.